I am writing this listening to one of my favorite songs, Stay the course by Iration. But staying the course is actually very hard to do. Since I graduated high school in 2007, I have change my major a total of 4 times. I still don’t have my degree, and once again am struggling with the will to continue with my education.
Since I returned to college in 2014, I have changed my major twice. I enrolled for an associates degree in theatre, shortly after graduating in 2017, and transferring to a university to finish my bachelors degree, I changed my major. I love theatre, but towards the end of my associates degree, I realized I had lost my passion for it. I was questioning if that is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. And let’s be honest, you need passion to preform on stage. Seeing young adults perform on stage the first day of class kind of sealed in the decision to change my major. How the hell could I compete with kids who have been doing this their whole life? I didn’t feel equal to them at all. I felt like I had gotten an awful theatre education at my community college, and was not up to par at all to be in those classes.
So with that, the self doubt train took off. I haven’t really been able to get control of it since. Maybe I could have told the self doubt train to go back to the station, maybe I would have realized that my peers would have helped me through it, and I could have realized my potential on stage. Like I said I do love theatre, I just couldn’t do it as a career. Where would I go? I couldn’t afford a trip to New York or California. Almost all the arts in Michigan take place in Ann Arbor, and the metro Detroit area. That’s about it.
So thanks to the self doubt express and the asshole controlling it, (me 😦 ) I changed my major AGAIN. This time to business. I figured business is very. broad, and you can do quite a lot of things with it. But, after research, I found that a business degree often doesn’t get you more than being a manager at a fast food joint. Apparently, (according to managers I know, who have been managers for a very long time), many places consider 5 years in a previous management position equal to a bachelors in management. So with that, I decided to switch toe Economics. It was honestly the only class I was taking that was making any sense. It is also really fucking cool to see where the money goes in the economy. Let me tell you, watching the news, when they’re talking about the GDP and stocks, the gears in your head start to spin and you can actually understand what the hell they’re talking about.
But that little bitch that runs the self doubt express is always there. Always waiting for me to question myself, so she can jump in and tell me to give up, call me a loser, all that jazz… I am struggling with that now. I am so scared of letting my GPA drop, that I panic when I start getting bad grades. “C’s get degrees”, but good luck telling my brain that. To my brain a C is failing. Plus how is it going to look when I intern and try to get a job, “oh, I see you fell below a 3.0, I’m sorry we can’t extend an invitation to work”. That is all I think will happen.
The hard thing is staying the course. I want to just give up so much. But all I think of is how far I have gotten, even though it doesn’t really feel like I have gone far.
Check out the video below. I absolutely love Iration, this song is keeping me going right now. Every time I hear it, that train goes back to the station, and I start to feel a bit more confident in myself.