Do you ever feel like you just can’t do anything right?
I really hate that. No matter what, I am in a constant battle with myself. Am I doing this right? Am I annoying people, yes I am annoying people, because all I do is talk about the same thing over and over and over again. I will never be good enough, I will never finish school, I really am a loser just like my dad said, I really will never make anything of myself. ALL OF THIS, in my head all day, everyday. It is so annoying.
For a time, during this quarantine, I found some sort of peace. Things were nice, I didn’t have stress about worrying if I was going to be fired during my next shift because I am having a hard time remembering things. No one made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, which is what I felt like always, at any job I have ever had, there is always that ONE person, that makes you feel like an idiot… “oh well just deal with it, it is like that everywhere”, That is an annoying thing to hear all the time too. Because just because you can deal with it that way, doesn’t mean. I can. We can all handle things differently. Not everyone is as strong as the next person.
So I am going to try to get back into meditation. It is honestly harder than it seems. Years ago, when I was doing yoga, and learning meditation, it was easier to just unwind, shut my eyes, and let go. Now, not so much. I have more to worry about now. Worrying about rent, worrying about work. My last few jobs have been pretty stressful, which induce anxiety attacks, which then make it more likely for me to have seizures. Which then comes to question my chances of getting disability income. I don’t think my brain is able to handle work much longer, especially with the changes in seizures I have been having, I have developed three different types on the last 10 years.
So here is the beginning of my journey to ease my mind. The first step, finding a good way to meditate at home.